As I process the prosperity blocks from Dynamic Wealth series, I recognize a sense of feeling powerless, living and making do in the environment of oppression - as in, I am not in control of what happens in economy or in life. Thought I'd shed that by coming to the States, but it is insidious! It's been a while since I've thought back to growing up in a police state under Soviet occupation, where we had to show documents to gunmen just to drive to our own seaside summer house, and every tenth person in the country was part of the occupying army. I had not seen previously that there was a background sense of "you can never rely on yourself alone, for powers greater than you decide life, death, money and everything in between; it is not safe at the top and you don't belong there; you have to make compromises you don't want to live with if you are the top dog (meaning, needing to collaborate against conscience)". I see that my unconscious choice to never be top dog (other than in achievements, but not in terms of power, responsibility and control) comes from that, from feeling "junior" to some ominous greater power that I am resigned to as it is immutably in control, and from a psychological emotional structure where I have felt safest to be a part of the system, close to the top, but never at the top. I wonder if that recognition will shift things for me in terms of being a willing leader now, rather than inexplicably (so far) shirking back from it, at most being a co-leader of various initiatives, even if I originally bring them. It has been a pattern for a while, perhaps because that is what was habitual and felt safe.
I also remembered always feeling poor since my parents divorced, as Mom was perpetually in debt. In our worst days, a few times a year perhaps, we would take the half liter glass jar from inside the piano that we kept water in to not let piano wood go dry, and would take it to the glass recycling center. It was enough for half a loaf of fresh bread. Usually, we had a little more than that, but managed it poorly; Mom's income as a computer scientist and economics researcher was meager. Dad made better money, was highly successful and very accomplished, but even with his child support payments, we barely made ends meet. When I was at Dad's on weekends, I felt almost rich; back home at Mom's, was poor. There must be more here for me to integrate, as I look at how I choose to live, reflecting both aspects still. Powerful insights. Perhaps I will now have more choice around the well off/poor continuum.
I arrived in the States with one suitcase and knowing no one, albeit coming as part of an exchange student group so not alone. Since then, I've amassed more suitcases and have made a good life for myself, but I can now see how much the patterns from the past still govern me, even as I have let go of a lot of programming of powerlessness and poverty consciousness. I have upped my game many times over both in terms of realizing the power that I have over circumstances, and my power to create new beginnings, change contexts, change fields, build something new in my career, etc. So excited to see more of the prosperity blocks that I have not yet seen and thus, blown; even more excited to then watch what becomes possible from living in that expanded set of possibilities where I am no longer "junior" and "unsafe" in the way I must have still carried within me. It will be really liberating. Thank you for this great work.
As I process the prosperity blocks from Dynamic Wealth series, I recognize a sense of feeling powerless, living and making do in the environment of oppression - as in, I am not in control of what happens in economy or in life. Thought I'd shed that by coming to the States, but it is insidious! It's been a while since I've thought back to growing up in a police state under Soviet occupation, where we had to show documents to gunmen just to drive to our own seaside summer house, and every tenth person in the country was part of…1 vote
I tried using a magnifying glass (also font size is small and San serif makes for difficulties) and that was distracting getting it lined up. Over all effect is lovely but.....1 vote
An audio class teaching mindfulness of self without judging and
mindfulness of our surroundings.2 votes
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